Pre-Moving, Pre-School Anxiety

Right now I’m feeling very anxious. I just got an email from the secretary of my department. A child and family organization doing research on children with autism and other developmental disorders is looking for research assistants and I started to worry (how silly of me) that I need to hurry up and apply to it right now. I know that if I don’t act quickly, other students will already get the spot.

However, I told myself not to be hasty in making commitments yet. I don’t even know my exact schedule until next Wednesday (our orientation), nor do I know which Head Start site I will be placed at (which will determine whether or not I will bring my car, Max, to SF). This research organization is in San Mateo, which means I’d either need to use my car or ride the bus for 1 hour and 40 minutes. I don’t know what times throughout the week I’ll have time to commute to San Mateo since, again, I don’t know my exact schedule yet. Also, before applying to this research position I should take a look into research opportunities on campus first. I haven’t done that yet because (again) I don’t know my schedule yet, but I should have. All of this “if x, then y” situations are having a domino affect on my mindset.

In addition to worrying about possible research, I’m also worried about moving. I only have a few days left to clean and pack up everything from my apartment. I still have internship shifts and errands to run, plus I really wanted to get ahead in reading those two textbooks. If I can’t finish all of this in time, how do I expect to go through a stressful grad program?

At the moment, I’m taking deep breaths. I know I can do this, but I just need to take it one step at a time instead of trying to focus on everything. Writing here is very helpful. It took up about 4 minutes of my time but it was worth it to help calm me down. I apologize for complaining though.

First Textbooks

I’ve got my hands on two of the textbooks required for class. Today I started reading and taking notes for them, and hopefully I’ll have made good progress by the time school starts.

My plan was this: read one chapter of one textbook, one chapter of the other textbook, do some packing, then read a chapter of Batgirl and redo the cycle. Now I haven’t even finished the first chapter and I’m already sleepy!

Don’t you hate it when your eyes glaze over the words but you don’t really absorb them because you’re distracted? This happens to me a lot. I need to learn to focus more and pace my reading more effectively.

Promises

Summer is almost over and my grad school program starts in a week and a half. As you can probably guess, I’m feeling both excited and nervous about it. Ever since I started seeing a therapist in high school, I’ve always wanted to become one myself, and finally here is my chance! I know that no matter what, I can’t ruin this chance. I need to make sure that I don’t make the mistakes I made in undergrad. On one hand, I’m confident that I’ll do better this time around, because I’ve grown so much since then and now understand more than ever how much I really want this. On the other hand, my grad school program is going to be much more intense and difficult than any of my undergrad classes were.

Thus, I decided I needed to keep a list of promises that I must make to myself. As I go along, this list may change to accommodate my needs and abilities, but for the most part I hope to keep it constant.

1) I will achieve a 4.0 GPA.
Unlike undergrad, throughout which I was often behind on my readings, I must always be caught up with or ahead of my readings and papers. Later on I’ll have to set a minimum amount of hours to study a week. I can always study with Amy!

2) I will, to the best of my ability, foster strong professional and friendly relationships with my cohort, fellow students, and faculty members in the department.
Working well with them will be essential to learning and doing well in the program. Also, it’ll be really nice to be able to spend time with other people who are going through some of the same stresses as me.

3) I will take good care of my physical health, including a nutritious diet, regular exercise, and lots of sleep and water.
…and I mean lots of sleep. Also, I think I also need to keep the partying, clubbing, and particularly alcohol consumption to a minimum (although… I rarely ever do that anymore, anyway).

4) I will keep in contact with, speak to, and spend time with my family as well as my friends who are supportive to me.
It can be hard to keep in contact with people when we’re all busy, but I need to do it the best I can. Having a strong social support network outside of the program is really important. I know the people in my life are going to be what keeps me going, too, just as they have been so far. SF is a big city and there are lots of things to do with friends. I also have BART and my car when I want to visit friends who don’t live in the city.

5) I will not keep in contact with people who have been destructive, negative, or otherwise non-supportive.
Luckily, I don’t have to worry about this since the people I keep close to me are wonderful! I might as well keep this as a reminder though.

6) In addition to my physical health I must also take good care of my emotional and mental health.
My internships have always emphasized self-care. I need to always be mindful of this, especially since my program is going to be stressful. Personally, I think it’s important to keep my recreational activities in my life in order to do well in school, work, and internships. No matter how busy I’ll be, I should reserve time in my schedule to have fun. Whether it be listening to music, playing my guitar or video games, reading fiction (books, comics, and manga), or watching anime, I’m going to make sure I have time for them.

I’ll add more when I think of them!

To Keep in Mind for an Aspiring Therapist

“I am often asked about my psychotherapeutic or analytic method. I cannot reply unequivocally to the question. Therapy is different in every case. When a doctor tells me that he adheres strictly to this or that method, I have my doubts about his therapeutic effect. So much is said in the literature about the resistance of the patient that it would almost seem as if the doctor were trying to put something over on him, whereas the cure ought to grow naturally out of the patient himself. Psychotherapy and analysis are as varied as are human individuals. I treat every patient as indivually as possible, because the solution of the problem is always an individual one. Universal rules can be postulated only with a grain of salt. A psychological truth is valid only if it can be reversed. A solution which would be out of the question for me may be just the right one for someone else.

“Naturally, a doctor must be familiar with the so-called ‘methods.’ But he must guard against falling into any specific, routine approach. In general one must guard against theoretical assumptions. Today they may be valid, tomorrow it may be the turn of other assumptions. In my analyses they play no part. I am unsystematic very much by intention. To my mind, in dealing with individuals, only individual understanding will do. We need a different language for every patient.”

–Carl Jung, Memories, Dreams, Reflections

Hugs and Handshakes

Social etiquette scripts the ways in which you conduct your greetings with other people. In my age/social cohort, women hug each other and are hugged by men, while men only shake hands with other men. (Other groups or situations may substitute with kisses, bowing, or other gestures.) This script is usually applied whether these people you interact with are your friends or acquaintances, although of course there are always exceptions. For example, if you and your friend have a predetermined greeting, say a friendly pat on a back or a terrorist jab, you wouldn’t be limited to the social greeting script.

In social situations I try to guess which greeting is appropriate and use it so that I don’t seem rude, cold, or overstepping my boundaries. I don’t particularly have a problem with the social etiquette script, but I don’t find it ideal either. Sometimes when I hug someone, I wonder how comfortable or uncomfortable he or she is. Although I can try to predict which greetings are appropriate for their respective situations, I don’t know people’s history, experiences, and limits of personal comfort. What if the person I’m hugging had been molested and is physically uncomfortable touching others? I definitely don’t want to violate his or her comfort or space. I can try to match my greeting with what I see people do, but I also have to remember that they may feel pressured by the status quo as well.

Besides that, I don’t like how men have this predetermined limit on the amount of physical affection they are allowed to show other men, and women may be pressured to be more physically affectionate than they’re comfortable with. When I think about it, these could work either way, since perhaps a man is not comfortable physically touching someone in a handshake. Of course the most obvious answer to this dilemma is just to ask the individual what he or she is comfortable with, but this isn’t realistic in many situations.

Personally, it doesn’t affect my sense of comfort or personal space very much, but I do wonder about other people.

Pride, Not Prejudice

Yesterday my good friend Andrew and I went to see the San Francisco Pride Parade. Of course, it was very energetic and jubiliant, maybe more so this year because of the recent legalization of same-sex marriage in California. My favorite part of the actual parade was seeing people cheer for the plaintiffs of the original lawsuit, the heroes of their generation.

My point of this post is also that I realized how contagious happiness is. Seeing how joyful and triumphant the newlyweds were made me feel this really deep happiness (right there in the gut, man) and judging by the faces of the crowd, it was the same for them too.

As a whole, people are more empathic than they give themselves credit for, I think.

“Pet-Peeve” is an Understatement

Tonight my friend Scoot was chatting with me about several German industrial metal bands he loves to listen to. He also told me how they’re often stigmatized with the stereotype of being Nazi or Neo-Nazi simply because they’re German. I absolutely despise that stereotype. I’d say it’s a huge “pet-peeve” but I’m pretty sure pet-peeves aren’t supposed to make you that angry. In fact, I came to the conclusion that

(me) (11:59:20 PM): man it makes me so angry, i’m going to blog about it

Unless you want to get on my nasty side, don’t ever associate anything German with Nazism or Neo-Nazism just because it’s German. The problem, I think, is that a lot of prejudiced thoughts, words, and actions don’t manifest in overt ways. When discrimination is subtle, people can easily brush it off without acknowledging the inherent prejudice. Here’s a conversation I once heard between two girls (not verbatim):

Girl 1: “I don’t think his parents approve of me. They want him to date someone who fits into the mold of “blond hair, blue eyes” and because I don’t have that, I’m not good enough for them.”

Girl 2: “Hmm, are they German? I don’t know why but that’s what it makes me think of.”

Maybe that’s not quite subtle to some people, but it certainly was to her. She didn’t even realize she was making the association between German people with the notion that “blond hair and blue eyes” is superior. She certainly isn’t a racist person and she had no hurtful intentions. (Note: I’m going to make the distinction between “racism” and “prejudice” here. I’ll specify racism as form of discrimination, which constitutes actions and behaviors, while prejudice I’ll specify as constituting thoughts, ideas, and attitudes). People internalize stereotypes and other prejudiced beliefs and opinions from what we learn in our culture and social environment. As a result, we may say words or think thoughts that reflect prejudice without even recognizing or realizing it. It’s not brain-washing, it’s just that we are all influenced by the words and actions of other people, groups, and institutions. After all, our brains perceive, interpret, and store information from the world around us, and our social environment provides an infinite resource of information. (By the way, I feel the need to credit my amazing social psychology professor last summer, Dr. Sherman, for teaching us about this subject in detail.)

I don’t think people should feel guilty for having prejudiced thoughts. I think what we could do to benefit our own and other people’s situations, though, is opt to be aware of why we’ve formed our attitudes and why we think certain thoughts about certain people. As I learned from another professor I had in college, the equally amazing Dr. Herek, being mindful of our own thought and belief patterns enables us to challenge our own prejudices and gain insight about ourselves and others, hopefully in a productive and healthy way.

Wow, this post certainly ended a lot more positive than it began.

Finally,

(Scoot) (11:59:33 PM): Say you love scott masuda

(Scoot) (11:59:36 PM): say it say it say it

(Scoot) (11:59:38 PM): On the blog

Okay, fine, love ya Scoot! Thanks for being such a great friend and instigating these discussions! Let’s keep it up… I need more material for this blog!

Work is Like Mario Kart

This summer I’ve been working at a research firm conducting surveys for the Washington State Department of Early Learning. It’s been a very good experience and I enjoy doing it, but I’ve started to notice myself slacking off at random intervals when I should be continuously working hard. Also, I’ve been carrying a work ethic that somewhat resembles my strategy in Mario Kart, and it’s really not the right way to the trophy.

When the research project began, my co-workers and I each received the responsibility for contacting over 500 chid care providers. Although I’m no perfectionist, I do like to apply myself in my work so I went through my contacts as quickly as I could without sacrificing efficiency or accuracy.

“I’ve finished conducting my surveys,” I told my supervisor (smugly, I admit). I was the first to finish.

“Okay,” she replied. “Now I’m going to give you 70 of your co-worker’s list to contact.”

When somebody else finished her contacts, she didn’t get any additional contacts like I did, because we were about ready to finish our phase. We’re supposed to go through phases of the surveying process together, which is why if somebody finishes in the middle of the phase they take the work off from someone else. Later, when another co-worker was let go, her list of contacts was divided among us equally as well. I eventually ended up with 200 more contacts than the rest of my co-workers. Like the obedient people-pleaser, though, I just kept working as diligently as possible.

That’s when I started playing Mario Kart at work.

For the non-geeky, in Mario Kart you’re racing against other drivers to the finish line, and you can use power-up items to help you. There’s this item, the blue shell, that automatically knocks down whoever’s in first place. What usually happens, then, is that the player in second place ends up being first.

Lazy little me decided that I would always be the second-fastest worker of our research group. That way my unfortunate co-worker who finished first would end up having more workload dumped onto her. The next day at work I saw myself cruelly slowing down when the time was right to ready my blue shell. It was horrible!

We get paid by time, not by commission, so I took advantage of this and succumbed to my lazy ways. At the end of the day I realized this was wrong. Our project was for a good cause (helping the State determine child care availability, vacancies, and costs, as well as needs of child care providers) and it was a team effort, yet I still let my laziness take over. So, I resumed working hard again and took more extra workload when I finished first.

Today I’ve been sick with a nasty cold and slowed down considerably in my work. Had I been working harder earlier instead of slacking off, I wouldn’t have brought this on myself and my team. Punishment received and lesson learned!

What Should Have Been My Resolution

I’m very embarassed that I haven’t kept up with this blog! I never even got around to posting the rest of my New Year’s Resolutions. One resolution I should have made was “Update WordPress Regularly!”I will from now on… really!

As for the few resolutions I did post, I did keep them for the most part. I learned several songs in my guitar class (mostly Beatles) and I did finish the busy process of applying to graduate school. This fall I’ll be attending my top choice, San Francisco State University for a MS in Clinical Psychology.

I still stress out a lot though! Luckily, I panic less than before. …Alright, so I haven’t made much improvement, but I’m working on it!

 

Now I’m going to change the mood of this post quite a bit. I’ve decided to keep my personal entries on my LiveJournal (which is on the link to the right, if you happen to be curious) and use this blog to write about issues that may be more relevant to somebody… well, other than me! However, even after friends have kept reminding me to update this blog, I haven’t. To be more accurate, I’ve actually written several entries on here but could not bring myself to press the “Publish” button. In the end, I deleted them.

I think I’ve finally realized what’s been holding me back. I’ve been interested in keeping a public blog for a long time, because I think they’re a great way for people to share news, opinions, and create a community for others to read and participate in. However, part of me is afraid of jumping in this new Internet space. I grew up a shy, insecure person and always kept potentially controversial opinions to myself for fear of backlash. College gave me the opportunity— priviledge, really— to express my passionate views in classroom, campus, and community settings, particularly as an activist for Campus NOW. Even though I left one tiny middle-and-upper-class suburbian bubble, though, I still ended up in another one (although larger) and I have so much to learn if I ever want to become an activist for social issues.

The world is so much larger than the considerably small spaces I’ve participated in. Having an internet blog, I think, is a great way for me to slowly but surely step out further by crossing cyberspace. However, I’m having trouble dipping my feet because I’m still afraid of expressing myself and my opinions. I’ve always felt torn between my passionate (and feminist) views and my ingrained fear of displeasing other people. This is something I’d really like to work on.

The reason I finally managed to post today is because of Anna. In addition to being a great friend, she’s a wonderful writer and intelligent activist. Reading her entries was my springboard. I already have some ideas, the motivation, and— again, priviledge— so I figured it’s time I do something about it. Thank you, Anna, for inspiring me!

I’m not sure if anybody reads this blog anymore, especially since I’ve stopped writing in it for so long, but if you are reading this, what helps you write? It doesn’t matter if it’s a private journal or public blog, or if you write about politics vs. what you had for lunch yesterday. I’m interested in hearing your thoughts.

“Live Like You Were Dying”

A couple weeks ago I attended a service presented by a local Christian church. Although I’m not Christian (I’m agnostic with some spiritual influence from my Buddhist parents), the church was very welcoming and friendly to me. I found the pastor’s sermon, “Live Like You Were Dying” to be very insightful and inspiring. A conversation I just had with Jimmy reminded me of this sermon so I decided to write about my thoughts.

The pastor presented the attendees with the hypothetical situation that they were going to die in a short amount of time. What will they do? Most people will answer that they’ll tell their loved ones goodbye or perhaps write a memoir. Many will opt to travel to faraway places, eat at expensive high-end restaurants, attend the biggest concerts and parties, and generally experience all of life’s finest pleasures and luxuries.

So to “live like you were dying” means to live life seeking these pleasures and luxuries, right? The pastor didn’t see it that way. If we did, he asks, what fulfillment would we have gotten other than the satisfaction of our own bodily desires? The only feat we would accomplish is serving ourselves.

We are all going to die inevitably, he said. We never know when that happen, either. Doctors who diagnose your illness cannot tell you for certain when you will die; they might tell you that you have a certain amount of time left, but you could die anytime before or after that.

Even though our mortality is part of us, we cling to our precious lives and fear death. This makes us focus on the here and now rather than the future because thinking about the latter makes us feel anxious about the nearness of death. When we think of the motto “seize the day” we adhere to this desire of capturing the here and now to the exclusion of the future. Our days are connected with each other, though, because the actions we do today affect what happens tomorrow as well.

The pastor encouraged his audience to remember that God has a plan for them that goes beyond their earthly lives. He asked them to think about how their daily actions affected not just the obligations of their own lives but God’s plan for them as well. What are they doing that will contribute to His plan, he asks? What are they doing to contribute to the “eternity” that continues after they have passed away? It’s okay to have fun, the pastor said. Just always keep in mind God’s plan and don’t let go of the contributions you’re making.

I found that I, a non-Christian, could also learn and benefit so much from these words of advice. Listening to the sermon made me realize that I could apply these basic ideas to my own life. It made me think about the ways in which I contribute to the world around me. Life isn’t just about me and my goals. I need to contribute to the people in my life and the ones I have never met, the communities I live in and the ones that are far away, and my generation as well as the generations that follow mine. I’ve got to give back to the world I live in.

Obviously, these are just broad statements. What now? Maybe try writing a list of things you want to accomplish today, tomorrow, and in the future. Of course, if you want you can include “singing a cover of ‘Umbrella’ to a large group of people”. Don’t worry, it’s cool.